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Thursday, April 30, 2009
An encouraging glimpse of hope. Today was the first time I felt that we are one step closer to our goal. For once, the overall standards just surpassed the usual disheartening levels, and we actually ended practice early too. I'm also trying hard to push myself to the maximum, hoping to peak at Judgement Day. I sincerely believe that miracles can happen if we believe, and if we work hard for it. Throw away all disturbing thoughts of school, tests, A Levels for now. In fact I always feel intensely distracted by the nearing of Judgement Day when I'm at home these days, leading to an inability to actually study. It was never like this 2 years ago. The fear was not exactly enough to render me distracted, and at worst, emotionally unstable. But I'm really fine being unproductive in school for a while. Or even being hysterical. CO is of utmost importance now, and I need to seriously focus and persevere! It's merely 6 days to the peak. We can do this! 8:09 PM
Monday, April 27, 2009
Life has been bad. School has been worse. Right now it feels like I'm unsure of where I am at, or where I'm actually going. I hate being unproductive even though I can't exactly help it nowadays. I hate that insecure feeling whenever faced with setbacks. I hate juggling multiple goals all at once, especially when SYF is so near now. I hate it even more when there are heightened expectations from myself; the failure to meet them makes me feel very pessimistic. Even when they are met, there is no sense of self-worth. I also hate those misconceptions that people tend to easily generalise because of some trends they had observed from before, and they just conveniently, yet unconsciously, tag those suffocating misconceptions onto you. They only see the good side of things, and overlook the bad. And you know it for sure even when no one really believes you. You ain't that great after all. Coming back to reality: I really dislike Econs, and knowing the fact that Econs test is tomorrow doesn't really help change that dislike. I really hope that the rehearsal tomorrow will surpass our normal standards, given that it will be the rare time when we have the full orchestra together. The same goes for Judgement Day. 9 days! We really need to scale greater and greater heights from now on. 10:32 PM
Sunday, April 26, 2009
TV has become so good again that I'm caught up in reading synopses even though I'm feeling darn tired now after a whole day's worth of activities. Not the usual stay-at-home routine. Everyone should watch Hong Gil Dong it's really super good! For me, it's a much better drama than BOF. All the hype over it is really overrated. I'm still lagging behind that series ugh but I've ample time after A's to finish watch it so, till then. But Hong Gil Dong is super darn great!!! Watch!!! (Damn I should divert my limited time resources to studying econs!!) Another revelation of the week: I'm finally succeeding at killing off the thought :D Which makes me extremely happy. I kind of dread next week because 1. there's Econs test and I really doubt I will make it this time? Need to master content in eh, 2 days?! 2. we'll be even closer to SYF then and insecurities will be even more obvious ): Sigh. The legacy the juniors managed to, fortunately, preserve and uphold is starting to diminish and is no longer as glorious. It's a pretty sad thing to witness given that we really gave it our all 2 years ago, and seeing it dwindle bit by bit now is an indirect waste of our efforts in the past. But we're probably in worse shape now. I am really starting to harbour deeper doubts for SH, as well as doubts about myself. This is further exacerbated by the achievements already in hand which results in tremendous pressure. The funny thing is that we don't exactly feel the pressure? It's like embedded behind the back of our heads. Miracles happen, do they? I crave for it, but do we really deserve it? 1:38 AM
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
OMG. I'M ACTUALLY FEELING NERVOUS AT THIS POINT IN TIME. I MEAN THERE'S NO FREAKING TEST OR WHAT, AND IT'S NOT EVEN SENIOR HIGH'S SYF DAY. BUT I'M REALLY FEELING EXTREMELY NERVOUS (FOR THE JUNIORS) SHOULDN'T HAVE READ THE 该死的 FORUM! ALL PANICKY NOW WAAAAA :( EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE ONE PERFORMING... BUT STILL, 加油 DHSCO! 音乐要发自内心, 8:19 PM
Monday, April 13, 2009
In the search for more... I get less. Raised hopes only to be extinguished in a matter of minutes. It's probably reduced to pure confusion now? I should just sleep and dream. 11:24 PM
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I. AM. DRAINED. Thank God for Good Friday! If not, I would have just wasted my entire Saturday. It's not exactly a waste of time, but just not doing any homework = day is kinda wasted. Pretty fulfilling day, seeing that I got my hands all busy and was running here and there, trying to control the performers. Really tough job yo. My feet were all aching and suan when the day almost came to an end. And upon reaching home, I felt super exhausted. Intended to do some work when I got home, but now I guess I'm too worn out to do anything. I'm going to watch Hong Gil Dong on tv soon! ;) Despite the extremely tiring day, it was entertaining to see the other schools' perspectives of us, especially as someone who is not performing with the juniors. If I use the half-ball circle method Tong taught us, then I can churn out paragraphs that go, "people think we are good, but actually we are not". But perhaps that is only from our perspective, which has naturally-elevated expectations mainly because of historical factors, teachers and the school. At the same time, I suspect that other people think we are good because they heard it from other people, who heard it from other people, and so on. It's quite a biased perspective, causing tremendous pressure on us now. Even I am feeling it. Reliving the same feeling from 2 years ago!!! I have also decided today to give lessons a miss to help out at their SYF. Let's hope this is not detrimental to my studies huh. But srsly, I never knew we were so "godly". I'm so tired now I can't move/think. TV!!! 9:42 PM
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Why are there so many (Yiwei was singing this song today) When my life has some discrepancies, I've this urge to blog. There are many things that are possible for me to strive for in life, and some others impossible. At least for now. That's why I desperately need to kill off some thinking. Perhaps channel the good, hardy space to more productive studying? (I can hear somebody sarcastically commenting: Wah you are a damn mugger! But srsly, know what? I don't give a hoot. I won't deny that either. It is called, precise prioritising in apt phases of life) Well, things that I'm absolutely sure that are within my reach if I strive like hell now include Gold with Honours, good results for A's. Or even to play better tennis (not exactly of utmost importance right now but definitely one of my long-term goals in life). Or to revive my aborted attempt at Japanese after the A's. I'm certain I can achieve that. But some other things are just not within my control. I really need to persuade myself but it's quite impossible to just do magic and cause things to vanish into thin air. But as I embark on a differently similar journey everyday, I know that I am capable of accomplishing successful magic acts and things will disappear forever eventually. And when they do, I really move on with life. I really need to achieve this! Because it's bothering me really badly. And I can't focus properly. Plus I'm aware it's not real at all. Definitely 100% fake!! If only someone could give my head a brainwash... I'd rather be a blank sheet of paper for now. I'm really glad that it's Good Friday tomorrow. Holiday! Long weekends:D I'll feel less distracted when I'm at home and I'll tend to be more constructive :) I'm glad that I rejected the basketball offer because I asked myself: Do I really want this? I'm glad that I managed to enter tennis by luck and discover a true passion for something (and not because of the people). I'm also glad that I reconsidered the H3 issue and decided against taking up Econs - it wasn't what I truly wanted. And today, after 5 over years of grievances, I'm glad that I decided to stay in Dunman. I guess, all for the sake of DHSCO. And nothing else. Bring it on!!! 10:44 PM
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Plagued by Problems I'm caught in between so many stuffs now. Tennis last training (uh I think so) or compulsory fenzu? To follow my heart and mind to NOT join basketball or to join for the sake of a friend and her team's dream? Cca points no longer matter to me actually. I was determined to go CO 100% after tennis handover but this just had to barge angrily into my life just today. I'm also drowning in school work. Nicely put, one extra Cca will definitely do me in. REALLY DON'T WANT THIS PLEASE! I'm also really worried about SYF............extremely disturbing thoughts storm my mind. God, please kindly lift me up from this arduous phase. Grrrr. And please bless CO with full gold with honours or else. Unthinkable ramifications. I should do some goal-setting for now. The Number 1 goal that I'd like to achieve is Gold with Honours. The Number 2 goal is obviously, aceing A Levels. Two goals. I'm not exactly greedy. >:( Frustration!!!!!!!!!! 7:32 PM
Saturday, April 04, 2009
 Caffeine1,3,7-trimethylxanthine 12:10 PM
Thursday, April 02, 2009
33 days to SYF 211 days to A Levels Can we do it? Can I do it? To Yiwei: Please stay strong. 10:31 PM
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About
Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.
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skin by: Janeinspiration: Kuribati |